QuoteEmilia Millicent
Is it time to import a husband to Sweden?
Published: 20 Sep 2013 08:23 CET | Print version
After applauding a woman at a dinner party for importing her husband, love columnist Emilia Millicent faced a social fallout that confused her dearly. Why are binational marriages such an issue in Sweden?
Last year, I had the scary fortune of spending an entire weekend with women I did not know. Our mutual friend was getting married and we abducted her (not really, we had someone carjack her and leave her in a parking lot before we surprised her with champagne) and after an afternoon go-carting we headed into the beautiful woods of Sörmland, south of Stockholm.
I say scary because like most people, I've ended up fraternizing mostly with my own kind - i.e. middle-class, white, urban dwellers. Most people at this gathering were still middle class and white, but suburbanites. For every air mile on my EuroBonus card, they had a kid. Or that's how it felt. So getting to know each other despite some lifestyle differences was the task at hand.
It all went swimmingly, until I inquired of a woman to tell us the story of meeting her husband abroad. She explained that despite being crazily in love with him, she wanted him to come here first - get a feel for the land, see if he could swing Sweden. Turns out her man did get the feel for it. And they are as in love as ever.
I exlaimed "I love that you imported your husband" - a "go girl!" kind of verbal high five, I thought, but a girl on the other side of the table almost barked "What?" in that case my mum is imported too!" (her mum, it turned out, was Peruvian).
I was a bit perplexed by her irriation, until I realized she disliked the word "import". I quickly said I thought it was great that people married across borders. Having thought about it more since, I've come to realize there was something passive in my choice of words. Not that these spouses willingly came here, but were imported, like goods or merchandise. That wasn't my intention. It was more meant as applause for believing in love and making it work, in defiance of visa application forms that could tire anyone one out.
But, even when it is love, and not just visa shopping, I realize that "importing a spouse" is still so very contentious in Swedish society.
A friend's mum complained about picking her daughter up at Arlanda from a trip to Thailand and seeing a shole of Thai women all in high heels stumble groggily out of the plain and into the arms of an army of awaiting white men - all pudgy, older, pale and wearing plaid shirts.
"Värmlänningar, probably," my mum's friend snarled about the men, referring to the rural Värmland County in east central Sweden.
So let's play odds roulette. Let's say four out five of those women truly love the men they are moving to build lives with, don't we all still wonder about that one in five who closes her eyes when they have sex and dreams of never being poor again?
Poor her, poor him.
It's not all doom and gloom, however.
A taekwondo mate of mine is married to a younger, Muslim, West African man. They are happy. In fact, they are an inspiration to me. But I wonder if they raise eyebrows when out and about with their beautiful toddler son.
"I chose not to notice if people look at us," my tiny friend told me over beers the other night.
Her husband, however, has run into two other West African men who are more or less abused by their Swedish wives. One is forced to stay home to drink beer and please her every night. She's a drunk, he's miserable, but says he can't go home when his family depend on his remittances from Sweden.
These kind of imports are quite clearly criminal and exploitative. And I wonder what they do to other biracial or binational couple's lives? Whether my friend and her husband get odd looks at Ica because he's gorgeous and she quite plain (on the outside, I mean - she's one of the most caring, engaging and smart people I know so for me that attraction to her is no mystery at all).
I also applaud these couples for dealing with the strain of moving.
I can only imagine that asking someone to move to be with you is scary. Having moved to Sweden myself, I know how long culture shock can take to get over. Partly because it's not really shock at all, rather an ebb and flow of trying to figure out how to deal with everything from a new currency to the fact that Swedes never say please. On a good day it's exotic, exciting even. On a bad day it is fatiguing, to say the least. You cling on to a sense of optimism to get through the rough parts, but swing into near manic optimism when the sailing is smoother.
I'm not sure I could take another move, if I met, say, a French or Japanese man who swept me off my feet. But could I ask them to move here? Or back to the UK, where, I am told, I'd probably myself get mired in reverse culture shock?
And can I deal with the looks in Ica/Sainsbury's? I'd like to think I was strong enough, for it. Here's hoping I can, chin chin, because I really am a sucker for love conquers all.
Prosecute the rest.
Emilia Millicent works in finance and moved to Stockholm from the UK nearly three years ago. She has asked that The Local turn off comments on her column because she finds the lion's share "off-topic and aggressive" but added she would miss the wise, albeit not always positive, remarks of commenter Skogsbo.
http://www.thelocal.se/49820/20130920/
Tää kolumni kuvaa niin täydellisesti tietyn urbaanin maailmanhalaaja ihmistyypin ajatuksia ja todellisuutta miehen ulkomailta hakevista naisista sekä naisten halveksuntaa jos miehet toimivat samoin kuin naiset että kannattaa lukea jotta ymmärtää tällaisten ihmisten vääristynyttä ajatusmaailmaa kun heitä kohtaa.
Quote
Her husband, however, has run into two other West African men who are more or less abused by their Swedish wives. One is forced to stay home to drink beer and please her every night.
Riippuen vaimon olemuksesta suhteessa miehen preferensseihin, on tämä joko todella pahaa hyväksikäyttöä tai todella laaja käsitys hyväksikäytöstä.
Muokkaus: On tietysti mahdollista sekin, että mies ei oikeasti haluaisi juoda olutta.
Quote from: Maisteri Vihannes on 22.09.2013, 10:27:07
Quote
Her husband, however, has run into two other West African men who are more or less abused by their Swedish wives. One is forced to stay home to drink beer and please her every night.
Riippuen vaimon olemuksesta suhteessa miehen preferensseihin, on tämä joko todella pahaa hyväksikäyttöä tai todella laaja käsitys hyväksikäytöstä.
Muokkaus: On tietysti mahdollista sekin, että mies ei oikeasti haluaisi juoda olutta.
No mietippä asia niin päin, että jos mies pitäisi naista kotona, juottaisi känniin ja pakottaisi seksiin.
Huvittavana anekdoottina EU:ssa yritetään lähiviikkoina saada läpi lakialoitetta, joka tekisi mm. feminismin ja tämän vaatimusten vastustamisesta (ajatus)rikoksen. Tuskin menossa läpi, mutta kuvaa hyvin aikamme yhteiskunnallista sairaudentilaa.
But, even when it is love, and not just visa shopping, I realize that "importing a spouse" is still so very contentious in Swedish society.
A friend's mum complained about picking her daughter up at Arlanda from a trip to Thailand and seeing a shole of Thai women all in high heels stumble groggily out of the plain and into the arms of an army of awaiting white men - all pudgy, older, pale and wearing plaid shirts.
------------
A taekwondo mate of mine is married to a younger, Muslim, West African man. They are happy. In fact, they are an inspiration to me. But I wonder if they raise eyebrows when out and about with their beautiful toddler son.
:facepalm:
Valkoinen mies, ulkomaalainen nainen. -> rumaa
Valkoinen nainen, ulkomaalainen mies. -> rakkautta ja ihailtavaa
VMP
^liittyen ja nykyisten lakien puitteissa mainittakoon vielä, että keenerin nussiminen ja tälle paksuksi tuleminen on suurin emansipatorinen performanssi, jonka pölhöfeministi/antivalkoinen multikulturalisti voi elämässään saavuttaa. Siksi se herättää niin paljon haltioitunutta ihailua kuin tuossa yllä olevassa tekstissä.
Quote from: Veli Karimies on 22.09.2013, 10:36:13
Quote from: Maisteri Vihannes on 22.09.2013, 10:27:07
Quote
Her husband, however, has run into two other West African men who are more or less abused by their Swedish wives. One is forced to stay home to drink beer and please her every night.
Riippuen vaimon olemuksesta suhteessa miehen preferensseihin, on tämä joko todella pahaa hyväksikäyttöä tai todella laaja käsitys hyväksikäytöstä.
Muokkaus: On tietysti mahdollista sekin, että mies ei oikeasti haluaisi juoda olutta.
No mietippä asia niin päin, että jos mies pitäisi naista kotona, juottaisi känniin ja pakottaisi seksiin.
Miestä on hieman hankalampaa pakottaa seksiin, jollei sitten jauha Viagraa tmv oluen sekaan. Mutta hyvin ikäväähän pakottaminen on, olivat sukupuoliroolit miten päin tahansa.
Stereotypisen mieskäsityksen mukaan tilanne, jossa miehen ei tarvitse tehdä muuta kuin juoda olutta ja harrastaa seksiä, ei ole ikävää vaan tavoiteltava tila. Voi olla, että kirjoituksen mies on siihen pakotettu. On myös mahdollista, että mies on hyvin tyytyväinen tilanteeseen, ja kirjoittaja pitää sitä hyväksikäyttönä koska hänen ajatusmaailmassaan hänen oma viiteryhmänsä on aina väärässä ja toisenlaiset viattomia uhreja.
Quote from: Maisteri Vihannes on 22.09.2013, 12:55:03
Quote from: Veli Karimies on 22.09.2013, 10:36:13
Quote from: Maisteri Vihannes on 22.09.2013, 10:27:07
Quote
Her husband, however, has run into two other West African men who are more or less abused by their Swedish wives. One is forced to stay home to drink beer and please her every night.
Riippuen vaimon olemuksesta suhteessa miehen preferensseihin, on tämä joko todella pahaa hyväksikäyttöä tai todella laaja käsitys hyväksikäytöstä.
Muokkaus: On tietysti mahdollista sekin, että mies ei oikeasti haluaisi juoda olutta.
No mietippä asia niin päin, että jos mies pitäisi naista kotona, juottaisi känniin ja pakottaisi seksiin.
Miestä on hieman hankalampaa pakottaa seksiin, jollei sitten jauha Viagraa tmv oluen sekaan. Mutta hyvin ikäväähän pakottaminen on, olivat sukupuoliroolit miten päin tahansa.
Stereotypisen mieskäsityksen mukaan tilanne, jossa miehen ei tarvitse tehdä muuta kuin juoda olutta ja harrastaa seksiä, ei ole ikävää vaan tavoiteltava tila. Voi olla, että kirjoituksen mies on siihen pakotettu. On myös mahdollista, että mies on hyvin tyytyväinen tilanteeseen, ja kirjoittaja pitää sitä hyväksikäyttönä koska hänen ajatusmaailmassaan hänen oma viiteryhmänsä on aina väärässä ja toisenlaiset viattomia uhreja.
Straponilla, nyrkillä tai muulla kakkoseen.